Painting With Poop

I absolutely love my 2 year old’s fascination with everything around her. It’s pure and inquisitive and almost always innocent. However, I do not love her fascination with her own diaper and the subsequent contents of that diaper. What really gets me is the poopie art she seems to have a love for, no a passion for. Ever since the little darling realized that she can successfully remove her clothing and diaper she has performed her extravagant poopie art.

Admittedly, it’s an art form that reeks of Picasso standards! What drives a child to perform poopie art I wonder to myself as I scrub the poop off her bedroom walls, bed rails and floors while she wails that “mama ‘ake ‘way, mama ‘ake ‘way” to the tune of a dozen jumbo jet engines. Did I mention that the walls in this place are about 45 years old and made of metal wire mesh and concrete, not to mention painted with low standard primer paint? Why do I mention it now?

Because when you scrub poopie art off these walls you end up scrubbing more than the poopie art off. Ever see that episode of Simpsons with Homer and Bart in the restaurant, the one where Homer is trying to gain weight to be morbidly obese and be able to work at home instead? The part where Homer asks is it fatty enough and Bart swipes it across the wall of the restarurant and the grease turns the wall into a window? Well, when you scrub poopie art here, that’s what happens!

You end up scrubbing not only poopie art but paint and concrete wall to the point where you are now staring at wire meshing shaking your head and mumbling about house repairs and poopie art. Maybe I should just go with a poopie art motif for the house? It would solve my problem of cleaning the art exhibits my 2 year old seems to think she needs to put on for the house hold. I wonder what poopie art motif would look like?

“And now a word from our sponsors – The Poopie List Co!”

THE POOPIE LIST

Potty Humor at its Finest

Ghost Poopie

The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie

The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie

The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won’t ruin them with stains.

Second Wave Poopie

This happens when you’re done poopie-ing and you’ve pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie

The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Gassy Poopie (The Sonic Dump)

It’s so noisy that everyone within earshot starts giggling.

Drinker Poopie

Occurs after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks in the toilet bowl.

Lincoln Log Poopie

The kind of poopie that is so big, you’re afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Liquid Plumber Poopie

This kind is so huge it plugs up the toilet and overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from Lincoln Log Poopie.

Corn Poopie

Self-explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie

The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped, and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie

That’s where it hurts so bad coming out, you’d swear it was leaving you sideways.

I-Think-I’m-Giving-Birth-Through-My-Asshole Poopie

Combination of Lincoln Log Poopie and Spinal Tap Poopie. The shape and size resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)

The kind that comes out so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie

The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Fire in the Bowl Poopie

The kind of poopie that singes the hair around your butt on its way out.

Rosy Cheeks Poopie

The kind where you have to wipe so many times it feels like you’ve sanded off most of the skin on your butt.

Porridge Poopie

The kind that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps coming. You can either flush and continue, or risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

Bunny Poopie

When you drop lots of little round turds that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

Mexican Food Poopie (The Toxic Dump)

It smells so bad your nose burns and everyone else in the restroom rushes out gasping for air.

Upper Class Poopie

Like Clean Poopie, but also leaves no odor.

Surprise Poopie

You’re not even at the toilet because you are sure you’re about to fart, but oops…a poopie!!!

Dangling Poopie

This kind refuses to drop into the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose, because if you wipe now it’ll smear all over the place.

Fisherman’s Bobber Poopie

You are in a public restroom with two people waiting on your stall, you poopie and flush two times, but several golfball pieces are still floating above the water line.

poopie art

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One Response to “Painting With Poop”

  1. Ghost poopie has always been my favorite!

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