Tuesday’s Toot

Today’s toot is about breastfeeding. I failed miserably at the first 3 attempts and the 4th I never tried from psychological and emotional fear of failure (I regret not even thinking about trying to). Boober has been exclusively breast fed for 11 months now successfully. My first attempt was sabotaged by NICU, faulty information, lack of information and support and being a new mom without the knowledge or know how. I gave up at approximately 8 weeks (exclusively pumping). Second go around, I gave up in 6 weeks due to the same problems (except for the NICU part, Bri was full term). The third was the hardest and most emotionally deadening experience in my entire life. I so desperately want to be able to have a breastfeeding relationship. My own mother in law watched us struggle for three weeks and begged me to please just bottle feed because I was an emotional wreck, baby was desperately hungry all the time. We were both emotionally drained and distraught. My mother in law, sweet and caring woman that she was didn’t mean to sabotage us. She saw that I was not the same person and that it was killing me emotionally and spiritually to be failing once again at my attempts to breastfeed and have a breastfeeding relationship. She bought formula and bottles, whipped up a bottle and said please don’t emotionally and spiritually kill yourself, your dead inside and I don’t want to see you or your baby suffer like this. The moment that bottle nipple hit his lips he was a happy baby, wolfed 3 ounces in less that 10 minutes. When I had my fourth child I was terrified to try, even think of trying and never did. I regret this and have a sense of guilt for the 4 previous failures. Now, with boober, I was determined – furiously determined. With the help of a lady (a lactivist) who had the knowledge and the know how she showed me a new light. I’ll always be in a debt of gratitude to her for what she did for us. Despite being a 33 weeker, in the NICU (with NICU bottles and then switching to Adiri bottles) and having a few lasting ailments from being premature, boober is now 11 months strong into our exclusive breastfeeding relationship and doesn’t show signs of wanting anything less than this cuddly, warm and beautiful relationship. I had won, we had won and are still winning. My guilt over my previous failures will never leave my heart and I will carry that with me for all my days but the satisfaction and sense of achievement with boober being exclusively breastfed 11 months (and going) knocks that feeling of guilt and failure down a notch. I realize, I can do it – it’s hard but it can be achieved and is such a wonderful relationship to have between mother and child. I have found a new sense of pride in being divinely mama!

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